For essay number 16 for 31 Days of Halloween, I had to tackle Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (1989). I have never enjoyed Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (1989). I just don’t want to write about Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (1989). It makes Halloween 4 look like Halloween II in comparison.
I feel I found a good compromise here. On to this terrible film and away from it as quickly as possible, I suppose.
I have only seen Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (1989) about three times in my life, one of which was today, to write about it. I feel defeated by the movie; that is how much I dislike it – this is the pinnacle of all my complaints with the horror franchise, which I felt began with Halloween II.
I don’t want to just focus on what I hate about the film, though there is a lot to consider. I believe the version I watched on Shudder was a TV edit, which certainly did not help things either. The film also certainly handles Loomis the worst thus far. It’s been a while since I watched Halloween 6, so we’ll see how things go from here, but I am pretty sure that five is absolutely the lowest point of the series for me. It is a film where I continually ask “why?” It is also a film that was butchered in its edit, but I don’t know if a “properly” edited version would amount to much better. For some reason, we have the Louisiana bayou of Southern Illinois in the opening, and there is a parrot there to boot.
With that said, for the sake of consistency and to maximize the value of having watched this pile of dog-vomit, here are the 5 worst things about Halloween 5, in no set order:
The 5 Worst Things About Halloween 5
- The Psychic Connection of Jamie and Michael. I never found Jamie to be a compelling character, and half the movie consists of scenes where she is nearly mute and seized, incapable of articulating what Michael is actually doing. “Cookie Woman?” Enough said on that.
- The Comedy Cops: The film features a recurring musical sting for the two “funny” cops that sounds like a rejected tune from The Dukes of Hazzard. Terrible, pointless, and makes Halloween 5 feel like a made-for-tv movie.
- The Music: The film absolutely butchers the classic theme of the franchise, as created by John Carpenter. Unforgivable. Goofy clown music for the cops? Appropriate because they are bumbling cops, but not for a Halloween film, sorry.
- Tina: Tina is my least favorite protagonist in the series. Annoying, clearly established in her opening scene to replace a surviving character from the previous film. Tina is also representative of the larger surrounding cast of the film – none of the teenage victims have much in the way of character. The movie made me miss Rachel, who I didn’t much care for from the previous film, either.
- Loomis: This is by far the least sympathetic Loomis has been. The previous film gave him a humanizing touch, but Loomis’ treatment of Jamie puts him into outright villain-territory here. He has a stroke at the end of the film after subduing Michael Myers. It should have been a heart attack.
The problem with writing an essay every day after watching a horror film every day is that you have to write about the horror film, no matter what. All of this is self-imposed, of course, but Halloween 5 really takes me to my limit. I don’t want to be a hater, but… this is Halloween 5.
So, instead, if we have to have a Halloween sequel, I choose to instead write about the one I wish to see.
Halloween: Devil’s Night
The Halloween film I have always wanted to see focused specifically on Michael and his movements between his kills in a typical film, and how he navigates the cops and riled up residents of Haddonfield. It would be a gimmick, but I think a welcome reprieve from a lot of the tropes we’ve seen. I think 2024’s In a Violent Nature is a great model for this sort of thing. We’ll call this one Halloween: Devil’s Night.
I don’t want to see sympathy for Michael; I don’t want to learn more about him. I just want to see a night of slaughter from his point of view, and at times, literally, within the mask as a callback to the opening of the original film. I want a mean, lean, 90-minute film that keeps the camera on Michael during a Haddonfield massacre where we only get the briefest clue as to what he is after (because what he is after is death, simple enough). I don’t think we need a Strode. Recast Loomis and have Loomis as the monster stalking Michael as he commits his spree.
And don’t tell me it wouldn’t work. In a Violent Nature proved a voiceless murderer can drive a film. It would be so much easier with an established icon.
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