Krebstar

The last “tweet” I ever did really explains it all, for me. I was up in Vancouver, and I put up a message saying so, and what kinds of activities I was engaged in. After I did it, I heard a voice - my own voice - saying, “Who the fuck do you think you are? Who are you that you can force your Goddamned minutia on other people, your stupid bullshit, your stone-ground artisanal condiments? How dare you. You should be ashamed.” And I was.

(CW)TB out.

That pretty much sums up my thoughts on Twitter.

I have a twitter, I “tweet”, but to be honest, I don’t know why. At least with Gabe and Tycho, those guys have a massive, rabid fanbase, so enormous that they have their own convention that warrants the title “largest gaming convention in the United States.” Something like that. I mean, I went to PAX in ‘05. That shit was nuts.

Given their large fanbase, these guys are going to have at least a handful of billion fanboys obsessively checking their twitter homepages for the latest workings of their favorite dynamic duo. Shit, even I follow the twitter acount of Jeph Jacques.

I am not, however, Gabe or Tycho. I am not Jeph Jacques. I don’t write and/or illustrate the adventures of gamers or indie rockers. I am not cool or creative. My fanbase consists of my mother and my dog, neither of which can use the computer especially well. So I keep wondering who exactly I think I am every time I send that SMS update.

Hm.

School ends soon, too. Then I will have absolutely nothing to say and more time to update this blog.

Aren’t you all excited?

I have a terrible habit of losing USB drives. I likely single handedly keep my campus bookstore running with the sheer volume of (overpriced) drives I purchase. I cannot hold onto these wonderkins for more than two weeks without them disappearing into the cavelike abyss of my room.

Because I am a (slightly) rational person, whenever I have a problem I try to take steps to rectify the situation. If I can’t see, I put in contacts. If I am falling behind in a course, I stay home that weekend and study. If a baby looks at me sideways, I drop kick it.

So when the drive situation hideously morphed into a financial burden, I thought to myself, “I must find a way to end this cycle of dumbassery.” But how could I best go about buying one final USB drive and ensuring it stays in my possession until the end of time? I wanted to find a solution that allowed for me to be buried with this fucking thing, my decaying hands clutching my prize defiantly until archaelogists dug up my skeletal remains centuries later, my skull somehow managing a triumphant grin.

Of course, the solution was really less epic than all of that.

I simply attached the USB drive to my keyring, content that the genius of the plan surely must lie squarely in its simplicity.

And, of course, I would have lived happily ever after if my keyring didn’t completely disappear approximately two weeks later.

Dear Alanis, I have a rewrite for you.

I have a confession to make, my dearest intrawebs.

That last post I made was recycled from an older blog of mine, with slight rewrites made when necessary to update it. After (re)posting it, I decided to poke around a little bit more for movie news.

What little optimism I had left was almost completely depleted by what I found. I stared dumbly at the computer screen for what seemed an eternity, trying to will what I’d seen away, wishing it was just a poorly written Encyclopedia Dramatica article.

But it’s not, and I’m hoping at least some of it is staged.

Allow me to share my disappointments with all (one) of you.

First off, apparently there may have been a bit of a leak over the plot in the form of a summary of the novelization, and, frankly it sounds sadly similar to the plot I said I would never forgive Chris Carter for. This is how it goes, according to aintitcool.com:

“Mulder and Scully are back in the thrilling novelization of the summer 2008 blockbuster movie based on the classic X-Files TV show! When a group of women are abducted in the wintry hills of rural Virginia, the only clues to their disappearance are the grotesque human remains that begin to turn up in snow banks along the highway. With officials desperate for any lead, a disgraced priest’s questionable “visions” send local police on a wild goose chase and straight to a bizarre secret medical experiment that may or may not be connected to the women’s disappearance. It’s a case right out of The X-Files. But the FBI closed down its investigations into the paranormal years ago. And the best team for the job is ex-agents Fox Mulder and Dr. Dana Scully, who have no desire to revisit their dark past. Still, the truth of these horrific crimes is out there somewhere…and it will take Mulder and Scully to find it!”

Really, Chris? I say I have faith in you, and this is how you repay me? By making me look like an ass?

From Mr. Carter’s own mouth we have found out that it is, in fact, chronological, that it takes place in the present. Mulder and Scully are apparently reunited to assist on a case that intrigues them.

Um.

What about the part where Mulder is wanted for murder?

Last time I checked, the Bureau doesn’t really have a policy on how to enlist the help of an escaped convicted murderer. We all know Knowle Rohrer was an unstoppable super soldier (a sexy, sexy unstoppable super soldier played by the most gorgeous man in sci-fi), but as far as the government is concerned, he’s dead, Mulder killed him, and now Mulder’s on the run. So how the fuck is he involved in a government investigation? Is he in the shadowy informant role now? Does he become the new Deep Throat? Maybe he’s the Jewish X?

Meet Spooky. If you’re stuck and need his help, leave iced tea and a porn tape in your window sill. He’ll come, and it could be love.

God.

Also, who the fuck thought it would be a good idea to release this on the same day as Dark Knight?? What fucking retard at Fox thought to themselves, “Gee, this will tooooootally be able to stand up against one of the most highly anticipated films of the entire year.”

No no no no no.

Look, I love The X-Files. Hands down, it is my favorite television series of all time. But let’s be honest with ourselves here: nobody gives a flying fuck about the series anymore. There are die hard fans left, yes, it was a cult phenomena. But a lot of people were chased off after it started going down the shitter. And your average television viewer has long since forgotten about it. They’re all glued to American Idol and, shit, I don’t know, Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Batman Begins was a huge fucking hit, and the sequel has been looooong anticipated. Plus it stars a fucking dead guy. You just can’t compete with that.

Jesus.

Chris Carter, please let your movie be good. Please tell me that the script is smarter than the release date. Tell me that that leak is as staged as those pictures of David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson kissing. Please tell me I don’t have to jump off of a bridge after leaving the theater.

Need I remind you that I am gephyrophobic?

July 25th, 2008 is quickly shaping up to be one of those days in history that singers dream about, tuning their lutes and trying not to weep for there is just so much to write about and regrettably only one life for them to compose in. It will be a day that generations from now historians will look back on, leaning perilously in their chairs and removing their ancient horn-rimmed glasses (because you just don’t see craftsmanship like that anymore) and thinking, “yes, that truly was the finest day in human history” while they shed a single, solitary tear. It will be a day in which the lame shall walk and the blind shall see.

I am, of course, talking about the estimated release date of the upcoming second X-Files feature film.

Okay, okay. So maybe I am being terribly optimistic, I know. Towards the end, let’s face it, the series got to be rather, well, shitty. It seemed to fall apart somewhere around the release of the original feature film, and those of us who desperately tried to cling to the hope that it was just a phase, that it would pass, were largely pitied by those who had given up long before the Mulder abduction storyline, before every third episode named someone to be the Lucifer himself, and before (I shudder to recollect) the emergence of super soldiers.

From “Eve” and “Momento Mori” to super soldiers, Chris? Really?

From what I gather there is a pretty strong buzz around the internet that is incredibly pessimistic. Forums are crammed to the hilt with threads bearing such ingenious subject lines as, “DIZ FILM GUN BLO!!1″ and the bodies seem to be not much improved. I love it that all of these people seem to feel that they are the sole voice of reason, that no one else has come to this conclusion. I would like to state that, yes, while I agree that Chris Carter’s genius is limited and seems to have been blown on the first four or five seasons of the show (and also seemed to be greatly assisted by the brilliance of the team he surrounded himself with), I am, still, holding (clinging, grasping, clutching) onto hope. I am quite possibly eternally that naive high school student sitting in front of the TV every Sunday night, hoping this week’s episode would be better than the one before and trying not to kill myself as the ending of “Existence” actually made me ashamed to call myself a Shipper. Chris Carter is going to have to do much in order to ensure that this movie isn’t going to go down in the eternal flames of suck like the end of the series.

The script has been written, filming has wrapped, and the release date has been set. I think we’ve all figured out by now that it is has been codenamed Done One (I sincerely hope your script is more original than Rich Tracers, Mr. Carter), and many people are wondering if the released stills have been staged because, really, all that is left to us at this point is waiting and doing what us X-Philes pioneered so many years ago - bitching and speculating endlessly and anonymously on the internet.

(Speaking of the stills, though, could you please release some more flattering stills of Ms. Anderson, seriously, because you are really, really killing the sex icon of my entire teenage existence. Thanks.)

So after the world’s longest and most unnecessary lead in, I will now lay out here my dire hopes and dreams for the film (because this empty, poorly written blog cares).

1) It is not chronological. - Some of the speculation out there goes like this: Mulder is still in the country and is completely unable to control himself, so he tags along on an investigation led by Amanda Peet and Xzibit. He hits a dead end that needs Scully’s help, so he calls in his reluctant baby mama and finally convinces her to participate because he shows her something on the computer that piques her interest.

I swear to God, I would never forgive you for raping my childhood if you did this, CC.

I do have enough respect left for the big kahuna, however, that I honestly believe he will not go this route. I honestly hope that the film will take place somewhere between Fight the Future and “Requiem” (reason beeeeeeeing…)

2) We finally see how Mulder and Scully got together - For all the bad that I and other bloggers have said, we cannot forget that The X-Files really was a revolutionary show, one whose influence can still be seen on television today. One of the things that it did and did well was give us one of the greatest romantic relationships the world has ever known. (I, personally, would venture to say it was the greatest romance ever on television.) Chris Carter and his writers fashioned a relationship that was incredibly complex and incredibly beautiful. Every week you sat down wondering “Will they? Won’t they?” and archives of alt.tv.x-files contain the very first recorded use of the word “shipper.” For years it was purely platonic, but the romance was definitely there, below the surface. Every hand hold, every stare, every word was expertly crafted to make us sigh happily, and episodes like “Pusher” drove message boards and newsgroups crazy.

And, yet, all of that fell apart in what many believe was a desperate attempt to regain ratings.

Suddenly there were clumsy hints that something had happened and a baby who could be either Mulder and Scully’s love child or a super soldier. Frankly, I don’t know which explanation was more unappealing, and when their first real kiss came, you just… didn’t seem to care. Their root beer and iced tea banter had more meaning. Scully holding Mulder’s hand at the end of Fight the Future made our hearts leap more. Basically, it felt like Chris Carter got them together behind our backs, and when the moment shippers had been waiting for for years finally arrived, it completely and utterly lacked any of the emotions we had expected.

Now, don’t get me wrong, part of me thinks it’s kind of sweet that Mulder was able to give Scully the one thing she wanted, but, really? I still hated it.

3) A cameo by the Lone Gunmen - Okay, okay, not really a requirement. But still. I freaking love those guys, and their show was way too good to be cancelled when crap like Special Unit 2 gets picked up for a second season. (I mean, really.) And while the ninth season of The X-Files pretty much blew thoroughly and completely, I still thought “Jump the Shark” had a good send off for our favorite trio. Yes, I was terrifically depressed when they died, but I really think that it just made sense to send them out in a blaze of glory and heroicism.

4) Basically, it just won’t blow. (I had a lot of this written out, and there were was a longer list, but I lost it.) Basically, the jist is I really hope it doesn’t suck. I hope Chris Carter took a good vacation and taps into his old creative juices and surrounds himself with the epic team of the first few seasons. I hope it lives up to its legendary name, and I hope I will not leave the theater immediately making for the nearest bridge I can throw myself from.

I hope I hope I hope.

Don’t let us down, Mr. Carter.

If you plan on living in California, I strongly advise against taking a geology course.

While I now know that my home isn’t about to break off and sink into the ocean any time soon (something that left me only slightly short of an ulcer as a child), it’s somewhat unsettling for someone who’s already irrationally gephyrophobic to constantly have to open her textbook to this picture:

The fact that I drive over that thing a minimum of eight times a week certainly adds to my outrageous freak out level. And add to that my teacher constantly reminding us that the seismic retrofitting still hasn’t been completed? Is he trying to send me spiraling into cardiac arrest?

Speaking of school, did you know that I am less than two months away from holding an AA in Science and Mathematics?

It really does not speak to the community college system that I cannot remember how to do long division.

Well, hello there, my dearest intrawebs! I am here to plague you with yet another blog that congests the airwaves.

The other day as I rode home from my everymansjob in the back seat of my everymanscarpool, I thought to myself, “hey! I am literate! I have a computer! Surely, that means millions will flock to my page!”

Indeed.

This blog will be completely revolutionary in its ordinarity, I imagine. Likely I will post my boring thoughts and trite details of the day, as smug and self-assured as if I were Carrie Bradshaw in the New York Star… minus the sex, the city, and the fashion. (I am single, thirty miles from San Francisco, and loosely consider myself a chapstick lesbian [although, truth be told, I am more of a bisexual homophile that is likely at this moment in dire need of some blistex]). Likely I will ramble horribly at length, shaking things up with an occasional review or some other tidbit of opinion as if I were the Authority of Good Taste and not the Archmaester of Suck. I am going to attempt to post some of my atrocious writings, but I am not responsible for the brain damage incurred upon reading.

Also, this is obviously a pen name. Other names and details may be changed (or added all together) in order to give me a greater sense of self worth protect the identities of those involved.

I look forward to writing to you regularly, intrawebs. But if you’ll excuse me for now, George R. R. Martin’s A Feast for Crows is calling me to re-read it, and I must obey and weep for wondering when A Dance with Dragons will be released.